Sharing is a concept that we learn in preschool.
It's largely a social construct, one which exists because it keeps people happy. Sharing something with someone means you like them, it tells the other person that they are valuable and trustworthy. I may share my french fries (and believe me, if I do, it means I'm enamored because, fuck I love french fries). I may be happy to share my newspaper; give you the business section while I take the entertainment section and we'll trade back after a bit. I may share some tips on how to cook the awesome risotto that I perfected during the month I spent in Italy. And I share, every day, bits and pieces of my life, my marriage, and my relationships here on my blog.
And I can share these things because I have them. They are, in a sense, mine. They are mine to give away to whomever I choose, or they are mine to keep for however long I desire.
But I cannot share what I do not have. And nor can anyone else.
The other day Andrew said, "I don't want to share you, Sadie," and I bristled quietly at the thought that I might be a thing to be had, to be shared, like the daily newspaper or a basket of fries.
And then later, in sympathetic (for Andrew) posturing, I was told by a good friend, "He knows you will never really be his," and I felt my breath catch and my heart rate rise and my insides tweak with irritation at this socially approved relationship rhetoric.
Because although I knew that these statements were imbued with archetypal relationship meaning, (they both said "well, you know what I mean...") and I knew they referred to monogamy, these inferences still boil down to the basic assumption that I am something that can be dispersed at will by whomever it is I have allowed to take ownership of me. And this just makes me feel ... altogether icky.
Because this what I believe~
I will never really be anyone's.
I am the owner of me. I can share me, but you can not.
And it will remain my decision who I share myself with and how. And, it, of course will be up to that person to decide whether or not they share the same standpoint ... on sharing.
31 comments:
I remember a similar statement by a guy at a orientation meeting for new swingers. A single guy, not invited to stay for the party, said he appreciated "All the men sharing their wives with me even though I'm single."
After he left, I pointed out he had a strange sense of "ownership" and everyone else, especially the women agreed. The women at swinger parties are not property shared with others.
You are justified to bristle at the concept.
I completely agree with you. Well said!
/Nuclear Rainbow
Well said! xoxo
*Sigh*
I am sorry things are unraveling like this Sadie...
xoxo
You have put a voice to my own feelings that I have not been able to find words for. Thank you and I hope you find peace soon with all that has happened.
hugs
and kisses
and spa treatments
and massages
and all things nice
sent your way
I take similar umbrage to the phrase 'you complete me'. Nope. I was a whole and complete person before I met you. I am now that I know you. I will continue to be should you leave. I'm a DIFFERENT complete person at each step, but still complete.
Anyway, I'm not going to try and guess what Abdrew meant. Nor will I argue that there aren't men and women who view people as posessions to be won and controlled. I WILL offer that it's possible that when people say things like 'I don't want to share you.'. What they mean is 'I don't want to share US. I want what we have to ve special
and unique and ours and ours alone.'. Because I do think that 'special'. Is what most people really crave. Feeding/nurturing (depending on your opinion of it). Is difficult enough in aomogomous relationship where you are at least ostensibly eschewing all others for the sake of the one you love. In a poly situation where you are essentially stating from the beginning 'you're special but you're not THAT special'. takes, I imagine a very special ego combined with very special insight.
Sadie I love who you are...just the way you are! You are a beautifully unique creature and I applaud your brave heart and open spirit.
So I hope you don't bristle too much here when I say, I do understand the feelings of wanting monogamy. Not to hold Sadie back but more of "here is this beautiful creature whom I adore and she chooses to be with me."
I feel we are all wired differently in this regard. I am sure though everyone agreed to the "rules" of poly / open relationship when this started. It seems though Andrew's feelings took an unexpected turn over time and it has now become hard for him to share...I get that.
I know your heart is hurting baby. I hope both of you heal and begin to move forward.
xo
I understand your point of view and I understand his. You'd never come home to him like you do your husband. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. *great big hugs*
Too true, I mean, I know what they're trying to get at - but ultimately you are no one's possession. I'm sorry everything's hurting right now, it will get better. ((hugs))
---Amy xxxx
I should leave it. You are working through things, and need to find your way. But I think you are wrong in your interpretation of "mine" here.
In the first instance, the disagreement is simply a matter of how a word is defined -- one should always be careful in thinking that someone else's idea's are faulty because you define a word they use differently than they might.
For instance, when you hear a phrase like "you will never be mine" it is you that assumes that "mine" has to refer to ownership in a traditional and exclusive way. But that is not the only ownership model. The city common is also mine, though you can share it too. The air is mine, though you can breathe too. But if I go home at night, and you aren't there, and won't be, it is like me trying to breathe when the air isn't there -- the air isn't really mine, not because it is shared, but because I have none of it when I need it.
In saying "you will never be mine" the point may not have anything to do with ownership in terms of exclusionary rights. It may just mean that I know I will never be able to count on you to be there when I want or need you. Wanting more of you may not be about controlling you, or keeping you from others; it may be simply about me and a need and desire for more of you.
It's really too bad that society, or that people perpetuate this theory, this idea of possessiveness because you are not a possession a thing to be owned, you belong to you.
A part of me understands why Andrew feels that way, but the sad part is that he wanted you all to his own instead of just embracing those moments that you shared with him, where you gave him your time, your spirit, your body. Why isn't that enough for some people?
On a lighter note, I'm ready now for you put my name up in that corner where Andrew's was. Let's see how many names you can get up there now that it's blank (aside from Hubby). How many people can share the Sadie love and be content with not possessing you? ;) I know I can.
I agree with your idea on not being property and that only you can share yourself.
I think another important angle (one I didn't consider before reading this) is that it may not be 'you' he wants not to share, but he wants to share with you all the things you share with your husband. The coming home to, the sleeping together, the raising of children, the morning coffee, the family gatherings. Not necessarily those specific things, but those things which make up a marriage, those things that define a primary partner.
I'm an amateur in matters outside monogamy (an understatement, if anything!), but this is another point of view that could be a factor in the sharing of all things Sadie.
Quite right you are in your assessment, sadly just as wrong in your conclusion.
Woman has always been beneath Man and clearly his to own.
Only the recent emergent feminist brainwashing techniques have deluded Man to attribute woman with the semblance of Manlike reasoning.
Without this campaign of evil powerful Men, women would still be worth just a couple of goats. Revel in this unique time in Mankind´s history, where Men voluntarily grant female self-determination. And watch her squander it in childlike hubris.
It won´t last long.
Whoa! I came back to see what other people said. I was thinking 'that Bullwinkle's pretty on-the-ball'. Then I read Hans. I think I missed the Conservation of Intelligence lecture in physics.
[sigh] . . . I was just hoping to hear about the risotto . . .
:-)
XO
It's true that women aren't property (nor are men). But I can understand his point of view -- I know what it's like to love someone so fiercely, so all-consumingly, that they become the center of your universe. Can anyone really be blamed for not wanting to share that fiery explosion with others? It's not a matter of property per se, it's just a way of indicating how very important that someone is to you.
I'm sorry that things have ended so poorly. The strong emotions it's stirring up seems to indicate that the bond was equally strong.
-- PB
Sadie, I think what this ultimately boiled down to was lack of maturity to truly understand the definition of "Poly" and "Open Marriage". This came with Andrew's age and experience. This is NOT a bash of Andrew, because clearly you cared for him, you even told you that you loved him. I know he said the same, and his meaning was he loved you, and ONLY you, which was his dilemma. It is difficult enough for a young person to feel like they have found love, but to find that love in a complex open relationship when your own experience is probably limited, that has to be hard to understand. I guess what I am saying is, I know your feelings right now must be raw re: all the events this week, but letting Andrew go to grow was probably the best thing for you both. As always, i hope for nothing but the best for you. Have a great weekend.
I completely agree with your statement that we (women or men) are not property. However, I have always wished that someone would want me to be all "theirs." I would be their heart, their soul, their mind, their love - and they would be mine. I would never want someone to lord over me and treat me like I was a purchased or owned item. That would suck.
Sadie, I couldn’t agree more. You are not property. However, I agree entirely with Bullwinkle and Topaz. Perhaps it wasn’t so much ownership of you that Andrew was referring to but the desire to be more in your life. I am reading between the lines of your confessions but honestly I winced a bit when in your recent post you wrote Andrew asked if the only reason you came over was to fuck. That seemed to be, to me, a neon sign that perhaps Andrew was wanting more from you. I winced because it was like a train wreck you could see coming. He wanted more from the relationship but it was reiterated that while you may love one another it was ultimately a sexual connection.
It also seems since closing your marriage briefly Andrew has attempted, in passive aggressive ways, to express to you his desire for more from the relationship or to also define his role within your life as someone more significant than a sexual partner. Perhaps poly isn’t for him. Perhaps because he didn’t expect to fall in love it was a rude awakening that when it comes down to it his relationship with you is expendable and yours and Hubby’s relationship is and always will be primary. While he may have the utmost respect for you and Hubby, when intense emotions become involved, it can be a tough reality to face.
You both went into the relationship with open eyes with the intention of being purely a sexual connection. Things evolved and feelings evolved. It seems clear now that Andrew hoped that his priority and place in your life would evolve as well.
In addition to the ideal that you can love more than one person and that no one person is capable of meeting your needs, poly promotes having the self worth to ask for what you want and the courage to say no to what you don’t want. Because we are all reading between the lines we do not know for sure if Andrew wanted simply more priority in your life or if he wished he shared a monogamous relationship with you. But regardless I don’t think anyone can fault him for wanting more and having the courage to ask for it just as no one can fault you for your desire to keep the status quo.
You have spoken many times about how Andrew has matured and grown within the relationship. Your gentle push encouraging him to discuss his feelings and the like helped him to grow as a person. I don’t think Andrew’s desire for more of you and more from the relationship has anything to do with his youth – rather his growth as a person and his more intense feelings for you. In many ways that is a great credit to you and how you helped him expand emotionally. It may be hard now, but that’s something to be proud of.
Hmm... Very thought provoking, but you are right. I'm very sure this is a HUGE reason why my first marriage didn't work out. Bc he couldn't wrap his head around this concept. And we butted heads in this regard all. the. time.
xo
btw... (thank god I'm not Hans wife!)
Wowsers.
In some way, each of us has a desire to "own" the rights and affections of those we maintain an intimate relationship with.
However, to interpret Andrew's want for you to be "his", and not have to share you might stem from his need to be in control.
After all, you admitted that Sadie is the control freak. She likes to have her hand on the wheel at all times, and create the outcomes as she sees fit.
Andrew might have ultimately been acknowledging that you aren't his, have never been his, and he'll never be able to attain it. Frustration at not getting to control or call the shots for an intimate partner can be excruciating when you're not in an exclusive D/s relationship.
But I do agree that you aren't a posession. You share yourself as you see fit. You are not at someone's beck and call unless you choose to be there.
Maybe at some point the two can co-inhabit the same relationship, but for this instance, they're mutually exclusive terms.
I can't add to what everyone else has already said, but I want to applaud you for this. You're taking control of yourself, and not letting anyone else do it for you. And I admire you for that.
Of course, I *am* owned, controlled, and property of someone. But that's what I choose. So even still, I'm *choosing* to have someone own me. I'm still in control of me, and my choice.
This is a fantastic post.
Hell yes, Sadie! You are insightful and eloquent as always. The possessive has often bothered me in any aspect of life, but ESPECIALLY in the realm of relationships. Kudos for being strong and thoughtful and utterly yourself. You're a joy to read and a true inspiration.
Just so everybody knows... Sadie is MINE! She's ALL MINE!!! And nobody can have her except ME!!!
Well, me and whoever she decides to share herself with. ; )
Thanks for all the sharing you do with me, baby.
Love.
After my husband found out about my affair he was so hurt and confused but he said to my, "I know it was just about sex." I have thought about that for a long time now and am fairly sure it wasn't. What it was about for me was the drowning feeling I woke with every morning, the feeling that there was no adventure left for me, I have not shared my body with anyone else for a long time now and he is beginning to relax a bit. He does not complain when I talk to other men on the phone or when we're out, but I can see the fear in his eyes, "Would she rather be with him? Is he better than me? Could I lose her?" He knows he could if he holds too tight but he cannot grasp the simple idea you express so eloquently, I am not his. I belong to myself. Even though my father "gave me away", slavery has gone out of fashion.
Well, fuck, I love all of these comments (even Hans' because it made me laugh out loud). I had hoped this topic and my assertions would spark some interest and it seems it did. I know enough about relationship dynamics to know that there is so much more to this, and that semantics plays a large part in the interpretations of the concept of sharing. But, it was something that struck me and I threw it out there because I do believe that I am not anyone's possession, but also because I knew that some of you, dear readers, might have some more insight and analysis of the situation.
So, thank you for all of your bits of wisdom, encouragement, and, most of all .. support :)
Love y'all tremendously
xo~Sadie
This reminds me of when I was a teenager and dating my high school sweetheart. I was infuriated when he told me that if we ever decided to get married he wanted to ask my father for my hand. I hated feeling like he wanted to possess me instead of create a partnership with me. Needless to say it didn't last long.
So well said and so true!
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