Recently a reader (a swinger) commented on one of my posts. She said many things, one of them being the following ~
I wanted to answer this question with a few qualifications and explanations because I think it's important. Many people enter into an open relationship expecting a utopian bliss, best of both worlds arrangement. And I am sure that for many couples it is just that. I am sure that it is an easily idyllic arrangement for couples like swingers who enjoy seeing each other being pleasured by someone else, or who get off on verbal recounts of their partners escapades. I imagine that for couples who were each fortunate enough to be born devoid of jealousy or who have managed to escape the rampant societal programming that our partners are our possessions, that opening up a relationship is as easy as 1-2-3.
But Hubby and I do have to contend with jealousy and possessiveness. We aren't a couple who enjoys watching or hearing about each other getting fucked. And in this process of being openly married, you can bet your ass that we have had to really "work" on remembering that we do not own each other, that jealousy is an emotion that is based entirely in fear and insecurity and that neither of us carries ultimate authority over anyone in this world.... besides ourselves.
And it is an ongoing job, this "work" we do. We are both constantly evolving in our open marriage and with each secondary relationship that we have, together we become more comfortable with their existence. It's like anything that we want to become good at, individually or as a couple - we practice.
Hubby is going away this weekend and will have a sleepover with his Hot Young Girlfriend. Do I want to know the salacious details? No, all I want is for him to enjoy himself. Do I wish I could be there to watch? No, I do not become aroused at the sight of him fucking someone else. Am I entirely comfortable with him spending time with her? Yes, absolutely. This is not the first overnight they have had and I am sure will not be be the last. I've had some time to get used to it. To practice.
So on the most basic of levels, as it pertains to us, "out of sight - out of mind" may perhaps be fitting. But make no mistake in thinking that we have our heads buried in the sand. Because we don't. I am always truly happy for Hubby to go off and have his fun with Hot Young Girlfriend, just as he is perfectly content when I am with Andrew. Indeed it took us a little time to get to this place but we are here, at least for now. With a little "work".
And if for whatever reason we begin to be uncomfortable with our situation then Hubby and I will do exactly what we always do - talk about it.
And we will, of course, continue to practice.
11 comments:
See, I thought there was a difference between swinging, an open marriage and polyamory.
I don't know enough about any of them to offer what I would consider the "right" definition, but I am pretty sure they're all different animals in a fundamental way or two.
I can understand your explanation of your relationship, even though it doesn't coincide with the expectations and feelings in my relationship (that's true of just about all relationships, though, isn't it?).
I know I've seen a couple of books on open marriages and alternative sexual lifestyles that address issues such as jealousy and spousal involvement. Have you read any of them? I'm asking because I'm interested in picking up some reading material myself, not because I think you need self-help books. lol
Thanks for sharing. I enjoy reading your blog.
I think a lot of people assume too many things when it comes to open relationships.
Communication is the key as it the desire to see each other happy!
You summed it up beautifully, just like any other part of a relationship, it takes work.
Dharma - There are variances of OM, of which swinging and polyamory are a part, in my opinion.
But yes they are all different beasts.
And, yes I have indeed read books on OM. I would highly recommend Jenny Block's Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage for her story in an OM as well as Tristan Taormino's Opening Up, where she interviews people in open relationships. Both are excellent resources for anyone interested in the lifestyle. I've also heard that The Ethical Slut is great although I have not yet read it. (it's on my list)
Gray- I think a lot of people assume too many things when it comes to ANY relationships, including their own! ;)
But, yes, I think communication is the hallmark of a healthy relationship; all of which require work, work and more work.
xo~Sadie
Well said response and explanation. And honestly, as long as it works for you and hubby, that is all that counts :)
xo
I like the way you "work" it, baby. ; )
While Veronica and I have a different version of an open relationship, I couldn't agree more about communication and work. Just last night she and I had a date, just the two of us, and spent some quality time discussing were we are at with a couple we've been seeing regularly. Can't under-estimate the importance of talks like that.
We've both read The Ethical Slut- it's pretty good
Wow, I am flattered that my comment was thought provoking enough to inspire an entry dedicated to it. While it seems to have struck a cord I hope it was not taken in a negative light.
Sadie, I stand corrected. As I mentioned, with this blog we only get a glimpse into your life. As such, one often draws their own conclusion and interpretation. It has been my impression that the thought of your partner being intimate with another was so uncomfortable that you chose to ignore it in a sense by avoiding any details rather than working through those feelings, thus “out of sight – out of mind”. And were that true it would most certainly come back to haunt you at some point. It happens to the best of us. Thank you for clarifying. I agree whole-heartedly! Communication is paramount in any relationship open or otherwise.
While it may be common among swingers to enjoy the thought of and watching their partner it does not mean we are devoid of jealousy or possessive feelings. We are human and experience and have to work through the same emotions that you do. All relationships take work whether they are monogamous or open. To assume that it is as easy as 1-2-3 for swingers is somewhat naive. I appreciate that you have shed light on a different perspective for me. I hope that I too have given some food for thought.
I find your blog very relatable and I am inspired by your openness and willingness to share something that is so often hidden from the “vanilla” world. However, perhaps it is more difficult for me to relate to you on this one point because in all honesty if I did not derive pleasure from watching hubby or hearing about his encounters then I am not entirely sure I would be able to feel comfortable with our arrangement. Perhaps in reality I am not as evolved as I would hope to be.
Fellow Lifestyler - I'm glad you came back to read my follow up to your comment. Yes your first comment struck a cord but not because of the content but more because of the tone, which sounded a tad on the judgmental side, something that always makes me cringe when coming from someone who purportedly chooses a lifestyle similar to mine which isn't widely socially accepted. I feel that it's important for people in open marriages to support each other, not confront each other over the choices they make in sustaining them. That's not to say we shouldn't ask questions and have friendly discussions about the varying ways of doing things. By all means, that brings more awareness to the lifestyle and my mission of advancing this way of living into social consciousness and eventual acceptance. But I always prefer the friendly method over the confrontational one.
I sincerely appreciate your open-mindedness in reading my post and willingness to stand corrected. I need to clear up one more thing, as it seems there was another misunderstanding of what I'm saying (I can only wonder what we'd be like IRL discussing this - I imagine we'd have a wonderfully impassioned discussion, which I always relish ;)
I was NOT attempting to infer that swingers were devoid of jealousy or possessiveness. I'm sorry if you misunderstood that. I was referring to swingers in the first sentence, yes ("...who enjoy seeing each other being pleasured by someone else..."). But in the following sentence ("...couples who were each fortunate enough to be born devoid of jealousy or who have managed to escape the rampant societal programming that our partners are our possessions, ...") I was making a generalization of ANY couples who were without jealousy. And there are plenty, I have spoken to lots of couples who are just non-jealous and therefore had an easier go of living in a non-monogamous relationship. I wasn't saying that swingers are by definition devoid of jealousy.
I have been called many things in my lifetime, but naive has never been one of them, this is the first, so of course I had to take issue ;)
In terms of my blog being relatable, I am learning that you don't have to fully relate to something to be entertained or educated by it. I have folks who are happily monogamous, and fully intend to remain that way, read my blog regularly. But even still there is something here that keeps them coming back to read my words, because though they might not "relate" I am still saying something that is appealing, or funny, or sexy, or infuriating enough to hold their interest. And honestly, that is alright by me :)
And, just as an aside, Hubby and I have actually tried swinging. We've been to clubs and parties, had several same-room swaps, had a couple of group sex activities as well as a handful of threesomes. I will not say that we will never do that again, they were all actually quite fun! But ultimately we decided that doing our own thing, separately, was better for us.
Fellow lifestyler, as I have said before, however it works for the couple in question is perfection. The fact is that you DO enjoy hearing about and seeing your husband in action with someone else. Frankly, I wish that I did because it would really open up a whole avenue for us sexually!
But we can only evolve as far as our minds allow. Perhaps one day I will derive pleasure from hearing/seeing Hubby's encounters. Perhaps not. For now we'll just work it like we're working it. You should continue to do the same as it sounds like it's working perfectly for you too :)
xoxoxo~Sadie
Wow. After all of these comments, mine will seem insignificant...
Practice makes perfect or, at least, manageable.
as fun as it is to read about your sexual escapades, i really enjoy these entries where i get to know you more. :)
i definitely think that we can strictly define being a swinger versus having an open relationship (etc., etc.) in stringent terms and identify with those adjectives, but i think the polyamorous/polysexual society as a whole needs to just band together in the meantime, until our lifestyles are no longer considered alternative. we all have to overcome society's programming and find our own happiness after all, right?
and i think hubby's response is absolutely adorable. hehe :D has he ever considered blogging? i'm still trying to get elias to write in his blog though he claims to have a desire to do so. :P
Well said & well written.
Thanks, Sadie, for answering this question.
~x~Abe's Heart.
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