Siblings for Sadie. Confession #175

I have two sisters, both of whom are younger by two and three years.

The summer after I turned 21, and after my parents divorce was final, my mother sat the three of us down one afternoon at the kitchen table, much as she had when we were children when she decided we were ready for the "sex talk" (we were 7, 5 and 4 years old, respectively)*. She had something to tell us that was very important. 

And so she did.

And, after she was finished divulging a huge piece of information that she had kept from us for our entire lives, we sat for a moment in stunned silence.

My mother had, before I was born, relinquished not one, but two babies for adoption.

They were full siblings. My father's children too; a baby boy and a baby girl, just one year apart.

I always knew I had a brother. From a very young age I could feel it in my soul. A charcoal drawing of me when I was three years old, with my bowl haircut and cable knit turtleneck could have been a portrait of a boy. I told everyone that inquired about it that it was my brother. Similarly, my imaginary friend, Tom, was my brother. In my mind, my brother had died. But, as I sat there that afternoon at the kitchen table, I realized he was alive. The three of us decided that we needed to find him. We also needed to find her.

Mom wasn't completely keen on the idea initially. She hated to disrupt their lives and she feared the rejection that was potentially imminent. But, after some persuasion by the three of us, aligned in solidarity by the notion that we had been denied their presence for so long already, she conceded. How could she possibly stand in the way of us getting to know them. Finally.

And, during our quest to find them, which included various methods; including private investigators, lengthy telephone calls to adoption agencies and letters put in their adoption files with information on how to contact my mother should they so choose, it dawned on me for the very first time ever, that my mother was a sexual being. She had not planned to have those babies. She hadn't planned to birth any of us, except my middle sister. She had become pregnant because she liked having sex with my dad. It was a revelation to me, to realize this other part of my mother. And, it is truly when our relationship changed and we became not just mother and daughter, but also friends.

And, we eventually found these two babies who, of course were, by then grown up adults. And the relationships we've had with them have been somewhat awkward, often sporadic, and occasionally tumultuous. Which, given the circumstances, is to be expected really.

But, I am happy to say that my brother, the one that, on a deeply subconscious level I always knew was there, is in my life. Again. Finally.

And, for that I can thank my mother. My mother who liked sex.

Maybe that is where Sadie gets it.

*Mom taught us about sex when we were pretty young, and she talked about it often. She wanted us to be educated, as she didn't feel that she was, and she didn't want us to find ourselves in an unexpected situation.